I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
