They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
