Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize