i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
