We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
