Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
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