he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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