i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
