she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i dont even know how to be here
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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