he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
