If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize