I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
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