dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
