I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
