New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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