I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize