im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
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