Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
