im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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