hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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