highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
