Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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