Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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