It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
