Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
