i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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