I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
