how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
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