i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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