Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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