I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
