I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize