Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
