took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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