if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Randomize
