I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
