marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
