and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
