Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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