So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize