Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
