seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
