Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
