He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize