On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
