I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
