You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
