I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize