I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
