It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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