my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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