How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
