I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize