i barfeds in our rink
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
