Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
