Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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