Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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