I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
