you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
