can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
