Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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