Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize