summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
